


Little Did He Know

by Winterstar



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Stranger Than Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-26 04:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2637581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterstar/pseuds/Winterstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony starts hearing a British woman narrating Steve's life. Yep, things just got strange. A mash up salute to one of my favorite movies "Stranger than Fiction".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Did He Know

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a little break from the long fics. And I love the movie Stranger than Fiction. I highly recommend it.

~ _At precisely 4:45 each morning, he rose from bed and proceeded to engage in what he called calisthenics that included fifty jumping jacks, one hundred and twenty push-ups, and one hundred and thirty two sit ups. After which he stripped and put on his running clothes to go out for his morning jog that had always been a twenty mile run._ ~

"What?" Tony mutters and rolls over, the sheets of the bed tangling with his legs. The first night he gets to sleep at a decent hour and now someone turned on the television in his god damned bedroom. He's going to kill Clint. He settles for huddling down further into the blankets.

~ _He spends his hours as he runs through the streets out clicking off the differences in New York City, comparing the different skyline, the number of people, the --._ ~

"What the hell?" Tony says and sits up. "God damn it, JARVIS, turn off the television."

"Sir, the television is not currently on."

He sniffs and stares at the blank television attached to his wall in the bedroom. It looks pretty black and now that he's glaring at it, it doesn't seem to be on or functioning in anyway.

"Huh," he says and drops back into bed. He doesn’t think he’s slept in about seventy two hours, he can’t even lift his head up without it feeling like he might have turned into a bobble headed toy. Sleep pulls him under and he welcomes its oblivion. He must fall back to sleep because the next thing he knows, he’s being serenaded again by the mysterious television voice.

~ _After he returns from his run, he always slips into the kitchen and, ensuring none of his team mates are about, drink milk from the carton and grabs multiple handfuls of cereal to eat. He’s never been caught and he counts this as a win – as they say these days. Once he satisfies his hunger, if only for the moment, he heads toward his rooms._ ~

“Damn it,” Tony murmurs into the pillow and snorts. “Shut up, Clint.”

~ _He peels off his clothes and hops into the shower, asking the nice mechanical man in the ceiling-_ ~

“What the fuck, mechanical man in the ceiling, who actually says that?” Tony says and sits up. There’s light filtering in from the windows, creeping past the curtains and he curses. 

The voice continues, leaving him to wonder if JARVIS might have picked up a tick or two.

~ _Once the water is warmed to his satisfaction, Steven Rogers bathes. It is the one thing he enjoys above all else in this cold, sterile environment of the future--_ ~

“What the hell, JARVIS, what the hell are you doing?”

“Sir?”

The voice continues. ~ _As the hot water cascades over his muscular body, Steven Rogers wonders at the miracle of the serum and his own transformation. Little does he know, that only two floors above him, directly above him, Tony Stark, the object of his frustration, exasperation, and sometimes daydreams, often masturbates to video footage of--._ ~

“Jesus Christ, JARVIS, that’s private.” He scrambles out of bed and scoops up the dirty clothes from the floor, tugging them on and swearing all the time. 

“Sir, I am not certain what the problem is.”

“What the problem is?” He snaps. “The fact that you’re talking about me jerking off to Steve’s newsreel footage is a problem. What the fuck happened to you?”

“Sir, I have not stated anything of the sort.”

“Yeah, sure, that’s what all the computer viruses say before everything comes crashing down,” Tony says and walks through the hallway, ignores the coffee in the kitchen that JARVIS must have programmed to be brewed when he awoke, and beelines it for the elevators. 

He ends up in the workshop, pulling up JARVIS’ code much to the chagrin of the Artificial Intelligence. He scans the reams of data, but it does no good, because the voice continues.

~ _In the midst of the day, Steven Rogers finds that his interactions with the rest of his team are unpredictable but still comforting._ ~

“Well, that’s nice JARVIS. And when did you start talking like a British woman?”

“Sorry, sir? Might I inquire with Doctor Banner about your current mental health?”

“You do that, J-man, you do that,” he says and sighs. This is going to be a nasty bug to eradicate from JARVIS. Just who the hell has the savviness to actually break into his A.I. and twist his codes around to this level of funkiness Tony needs to find out. 

~ _While Steven Rogers spends vast amounts of time during the day concentrating on his work as the leader--._ ~

“Co-leader, man, God, get it right if you’re going to narrate Steve’s life, JARVIS.”

“I will endeavor to follow those instructions if I am ever in that situation, sir.”

“Right, little shit,” Tony murmurs and gets back to work, but it’s nearly impossible with the constant interruptions.

~ _Still, he finds some solace in his team members, his new team members. There are times, when Steven Rogers finds he must seek out comfort with them to assuage the malaise he often feels in light of the loss of his entire world._ ~

“Wow, seriously, J-man? Is that true?” Tony asks at the same time Bruce walks into the workshop.

“JARVIS called me, said you aren’t feeling well?” Bruce scratches at his temple. “You know, I’m not your personal doctor, Tony.”

Tony puts up his hands in surrender. “First of all, big green, I did not call you. Second, it’s J-man who has the problem. He’s insisting on talking in a British accent.”

Bruce looks around and clears his throat. “I thought you programmed him that way.”

“Oh, yeah, I did. A British woman,” Tony adds.

“Oh, JARVIS?”

“Yes, Doctor Banner?”

“He sounds fine to me,” Bruce says and pinches his face up.

What the hell? “No, he only does it when he’s narrating Steve’s life.”

Bruce adds dubious to the look he gives Tony. “Narrates Steve’s life?”

“Yeah, he’s got some kind of weird fetish.” Tony taps out the instructions on the tablet and the codes continue to cascade around them.

“You’re telling me that JARVIS is speaking in a woman’s voice and narrating Steve’s life?”

“Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Weird hackers, like I don’t have anything else to do other than clean up messes-.”

“Tony, when was the last time your tech was hacked?” Bruce asks, but Tony’s not listening – because the narration is back.

~ _Today is a particularly bad day as Steven Rogers calls it, because his routines, or schedules, or even his workout in the gymnasium cannot clear his mind of his maudlin thoughts._ ~

Tony interrupts Bruce and points to the speakers. “See, did you not listen? Steve is apparently depressed.”

“No, I’m not,” Steve says as he walks into the workshop and when the hell did he get the entrance code?

“Yes, according to JARVIS, you are. You walk around all day long mourning the loss of your entire fucking world like we’re not good enough for you.”

Bruce coughs and peers at them with furrowed brows. “Perhaps I should leave.”

“I don’t know what JARVIS is telling you-.”

“Captain Rogers, sir is currently suffering from a psychotic break.”

“What?” Tony yelps and slams his hand down on the console. The code goes blank. “I’m going to erase your fine ass, JARVIS.”

“I do not have an ass, sir.”

“Are you okay, Tony?” Steve says and his face gets that sweet, adorable look he often gives to every fucking one else other than Tony. 

“Other than the fact my damned A.I. is having a teenaged identity crisis, yes,” Tony says. “JARVIS, do you need a gender reassignment?”

“I think that’s a personal thing, Tony, from what I hear these days,” Steve says and he’s spinning around as if he’s looking for an actual JARVIS to walk into the room. 

“Sir, I do not have a gender.”

“Perhaps you want one, but what’s with the weird obsession with Steve’s life story?” Tony says.

~ _Steven Rogers often observed Tony Stark with a mixture of dread, doubt, and desire. None of which he cared to admit, and all of which he often ruminated about during the late hours of his lonely nights._ ~

“Desire, really Steve?” Tony asks and turns to Steve – who frowns and shakes his head.

“What?”

“Tell me you did not hear JARVIS pretending to be a British woman who obviously likes to write fanfiction about you?”

“What?” Both Bruce and Steve say at the same time. Incredulous is the only word to describe the expression on their faces.

 

Tony stops and feels a little like that idiotic deer in headlights, but then he shakes himself and realizes they are pulling his leg. “Ha, ha, funny. Let’s get back to it, why don’t we? JARVIS you can stop the routine, now.”

“Routine, sir?”

~ _Even Steven Rogers becomes somewhat worried about his friend when Tony Stark became insistent on his belief that JARVIS may be broken._ ~

“That’s just weird, my friend. Talking about yourself in the third person. And why the hell are you using full names and why Steven and not Anthony?”

Both Bruce and Steve stare at him like he just grew a third head or turned into a dog or some shit. 

He sighs. “There’s no British woman’s voice, is there?”

“No,” Steve says. Bruce only bows his head and turns to the side as if he’s trying not to laugh – to laugh. The snot.

“I fucking hate magic.”

*oOo*

It doesn’t turn out to be magic or any kind of magic they can pinned down. They consult Strange, and Thor, and anyone else that might have a corner on the market. But no one has any ideas. Tony gives up and just pretends he’s not constantly hearing Steve’s Narrator in his head.

Until one day, Clint is sitting on the kitchen countertop, slurping cereal out of a bowl (Tony hasn’t confessed Steve’s little secret about the milk and the cereal- just yet), and chewing very loudly before he says, “Just like that movie.”

“Movie?” Tony perks up from hunching over his coffee mug. He was up very late last night, listening to the Narrator describe Steve’s torrid dreams about Tony. Admittedly, it was good fare to masturbate to and he doesn’t think he’s ever had an orgasm so powerful before using his own hand.

“Yeah, yeah, called Fiction, something – I don’t know. Strange Fiction or something. With the elf guy.”

“What?” Tony screws up his face. Talking to Clint is like talking to a barely articulate chimpanzee sometimes. (And yes, he’s aware that chimpanzee are not articulate on their best days). “What the fuck are you even talking about? An elf guy in a movie?”

“No, the actor. He’s this guy in a movie who hears this narrator of his life and she’s some British author. She says ‘Little did he know’ and it all has to do about his impending death.”

“What?” This is getting stranger and stranger. 

Of course, that’s the moment, the voice chimes in and says ~ _Little did Anthony Stark know that Steven Rogers’ love for him would serve to bind them together, to end a possible civil war between superheroes, and bring peace when multiple worlds clash due to incursions--._

He kind of loses the train of the dialogue hearing only blah blah blah after the declaration of Steven Rogers’ love for him. Him! Anthony Stark – and why did she start using his full name? That’s all kinds of odd. 

Clint is still talking, discussing some incoherent movie about space camp and playing the guitar with a baker. 

“Okay, okay,” Tony says and rushes out of the room to the hallway, and hits the elevator button. The doors open and he slams right into a freshly showered but, alas, fully clothed Steven Rogers.

“Oh, Tony, I-.” His face turns a beautiful shade of pink.

“Nope, nope, you don’t get to do that-.” Tony says, shoving him back in the elevator, going to his tip toes, and planting a kiss on those luscious lips he’s been dying to taste. Vaguely he hears the elevator doors close just as Clint yells in surprise. He ignores it all. What he concentrates on is the fact Steve’s kissing him back, devouring him like he’s a man starved and finally given a feast.

He can’t breathe or think. The one thing he can do is crawl up Steve and consume his mouth, taste him, and welcome him as they wrestle for each other. Once they break apart and Tony drops down onto the floor, shuddering with need and hope, and, God, the sweet lingering taste of Steve all over his mouth, Steve whispers, “Finally.”

“Finally?”

There’s a glint in his eyes, devilish and sooo not Captain America.

“What?” Tony says.

Steve only leans in and whispers, “And they lived happily ever after.”

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](http://winterstar95.tumblr.com)


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